still sad 10 years after divorce still sad 10 years after divorce

from their father when they need us both. Which is sad because we still get along, AOL and I. I am not a bitter woman. Thank you for this. A fractured. I can relate a lot with you. And after all, since my boys are no longer children, these days its at those events that I am most likely to be interacting with my sons at the holidays, a graduation, some other special celebration. Its so tremendously hard to share these with the people (ex-husb and woman from affair now married, plus their families) that stood by and made my life absolutely miserable for a few years. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. 8 years after my divorce, I am right there. Try to find joy in the fact that you have those feelings for her instead of focusing on the pain of losing her. I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. Just an occasional issue with finances. Coparenting is tough. Pain can coexist with happiness. What makes a luxury lake home design special, Learn About the Very Wild and Interesting Psychedelic Era. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . And then the pandemic hit. But, I was wrong. We spoke to 12 men about life after divorce. Then my dream ends, and I wake up crying. Oh, so difficult! Three kids and 15 years later we divorced. joanne. I would say it was my fault she left for sure but she never would stay and go to counseling with me she just walked. The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. 7 Cures to Move on From the Lingering Loneliness After Divorce These are the steps I took to provide an escape hatch from the intensity of the loneliness that I felt. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. It makes me hide a little bit of my truth (the sadness) from people. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. Effects of Divorce on Children: 6 to 11 Years Old. Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. By Stephanie Downs - March 1, 2023 08:07 pm EST. Please Click Here to Read Legal Disclaimer Before Utilizing this site. Look beyond your broken marriage, erase the thoughts of your Ex and concentrate on other matters. I don't know how to stop the regret and guilt!! If you were married for ten years of longer, you will be eligible to collect derivative Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse's earnings record when you reach retirement age (if you aren't married to someone else at the time . Divorce happened the year after I had retired. Ali, 40, and Justin, 40, announced their uncoupling in April 2022, but ahead of her new Netflix/A24 comedy series Beef and her upcoming summer tour, Ali told The Hollywood Reporter that she and . I know it is possible to lose conscious contact with that inner peace and love, and I know how tempting it is to think that our love walked away when we parted ways with our dream mate - but if you perpetuate this delusion you cause yourself much more pain.One of the best tools for moving on and letting go of past traumas, regrets, losses and so on - is Meridian Tapping/EFT. Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. Wishing you all the best It becomes manageable, but thats about it. I come from a large family and all the memories of my wife are with them. Many times people start dating immediately while healing has not taken place making them suffer even more. Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom. Mental health experts agree that divorce is comparable to the loss of a loved one, which makes sense given that you're suffering the loss of a marriage and all that goes with it. You deserve to come to peace with your divorce so that you can begin a new and richer life. Im very happy to find this essay tonight, and the comments you have all left. After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. Purpose to become happy, engage in a relationship that matters and invests in yourself in a better way. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. We all grieve differently. And your words resonate. Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. Excellent article. The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce Know that even if says she is okay, underneath her smile, your friend is drowning in loss, your friend needs your help. It makes me feel less alone, and it lets me know that its OK, Im not going crazy, haha! So much collateral damage. The deep pain of losing a relationship is based on the belief that your peace and your joy lies within the other person, and without them, you have no access to these feelings. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. At the 10-year mark, by and large, the person who wanted the divorce is doing better than the one who didn`t want it. Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription." Im normal, Its normal to feel happy and sad, gain and loss after so many years. I WAS MARRIED 30 YEARS When she left . 21. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. In the dream, I'm still married to my ex-husband; we are fighting and he's getting ready to move out. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. Takeaway. As in, you might finally be legally divorced. However, it may not take quite long if you wanted the divorce, were unhappy with your marriage, or the divorce decision was mutual. Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. 15 years after divorce she is bubbling over with joy, energy and health. We were married for 15 years. feelings of . Help Is Here. I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the child bride with open arms. Ive got friends I hardly hear from anymore. I wish all who have experienced this, the best of strength and happiness. I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the betrayal of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. I never reached out to him for assistance. Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. crying spells. I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again. It hurts and brings confusion to the children. Because she is grieving a death A death she may have chosen A death he may have chosen But it is a death, nonetheless. Life goes on and we have to make the very best of what we have, hard and all that it is. Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. And Jennifer L hit the nail on the head. It helped me process all my pent up sorrow since theres no one in my group of friends or family I would like to share this with. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. I take strange comfort in the fact that you still hurt 36 years after your divorce: I realise it sounds odd but the comfort is in knowing that Im not the only one who cannot move on as I was told to over and over again. I wish him a happy life after all, if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it is not with you. Wow, I was taken aback by this editors unkindness and lack of compassion. Grand children . I thought is wasnt normal to still feel guilty 10 years later. } According to multiple reports, the singer has requested to dismiss his divorce case against Princess. My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. If you can't see a therapist to talk to about your feelings, remember that self-care after a breakup is key. This article really resonates with me. Not only would they not understand, but they would wonder if it all was just for revenge. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. Dwelling on what you should have done. It hurts badly, no matter how long. Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . I will be praying for you Lerlie, and for each and everyone that have shared their pain and hurt as well on the comments. You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. I would have been able to still respect him. I feel completely abandoned and alone. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. Toughing it out. "@type": "Question", Divorce is hard on everyone. I believe that all children need mothers and fathers in their lives. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. but is still just a imitation of what are family should and would be. Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. No doubt my personal history comes into play as well; I was single into my 30s having declined a few proposals, deferring marriage until I was ready, convinced I had made an excellent choice. If you continue drinking to avert suffering, then this will never help you to heal, and your emotions towards life will only worsen. As for my children, I hope I have been a model of resourcefulness and curiosity, of determination and positivism. Your piece really spoke to me. All in all, I am at a standstill. your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories. Its like I never existed in her world. Most Famous Female Pop Artists of the 70s, The History of the Basketball The Actual Ball, Guide to the Absolutely Strangest Things on Earth, Strange and Unusual Ceremonies and Traditions Around the World. Nobody really understands. you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. I am proud of all you women as I am proud of myself, for making it through. And I have not been able to shake my own love for him, even though he hurt me so deeply. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. "mainEntity": [{ Good luck! Love is not something outside us , but is our very essence. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. What are Dirty Thunderstorms and When Do They Appear? This is a very good article. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. I have truly tried to find out who I am. Dead dreams live inside me. My ex husband left our family 7 years ago for my (single w/2 kids) friend. we see each other all the time with that and every smell and sound and sight reminds me of her and how my family was and could be .. And heres an irony out of the blue, I checked an email account that I only check maybe 2X a year and my ex had emailed me I have not heard anything from him in over 10 years, I lived in the same city as him for 16 years and now? But love, sadly, is not always enough when it comes to marriage, and we deal with it in the best way possible. And its hard to have to share my daughter and grandchildren with my exs affair-partner-now-wife. There are several factors that may contribute to the sadness that is coming up for you post-divorce, including how tied your identity is to your ex-partner and whether you've allowed yourself to fully grieve. Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit childrens homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. The divorce was my idea. Oh well. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. ", } We all grieve differently. Youre still living in the past, ruminating on what should have been instead of focusing on what is and what will be. God sees our pain, our tears. It's a process that's extremely tough from start to finish, and you can still feel emotional weeks, months, and even years after you and your former partner have split. people say you should be over and done by now . Here is the bottom line, Sam, youre purposefully holding onto the pain. Good article and I will add to it. My separation began that same summer after 18 years of marriage. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. 13+ years. No, I have not found someone else, but I knew I needed to find myself first. We met my freshman year of college and I truely feel that he shaped who I am today in the most positive way anyone ever could and then I left him. "@type": "Answer", The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. The residual anger,. So I hope and pray that she sees that Im a different man Ive worked on myself for five years and finally listen to the Lord and except no for a no from somebody . Emotional Symptoms of Divorce. ", Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? Dreams are broken but lives have to go on. Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. Needing to be right. }] Recognize this for what it is: A personal full-blown pity party. I was married 30 years and it has been 3 since we separated and 2 since we divorced. Every holiday my daughters have to divide the holidays, not just between us and in-laws, but us and the other us and the in-laws. The hurt will never quite go away. Divorce is a complex process that can lead to confusing and painful feelings. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. },{ I wish everyone going through this agony only the very best. At the 10-year mark, 90% of the women and 70% of the men still felt that the divorce was the right decision. Dating the same man again. irritability. We just needed to voice our shared experience. I want to heal, move in, live with joy and pursue my dreams! "text": "You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. Im happily remarried, yet Im still sad 17 years later. The final dagger was my grandparents will 23 years ago (which I had forgotten, never thinking anything like this would happen) giving me 20 acres of land in Indiana, inheritance is not included in divorce settlement. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. I thought I was taking forward steps. There remains a post-divorce financial cloud from which I may never recover, and lost opportunities as a result. I truly struggle for what was and more for the family and and life I once knew. I never should have married the guy in the first place, but divorcing him was just horrible. Cheers to a better tomorrow! But also: stronger relationships with their kids, finding peace, and settling into a new sense of normal that feels, well, okay. My kids are well. I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). only with God do I hang on. For people who already live with depression . In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. But the pain of all of it never really went away. Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. And the recent weddings for two of our sons? This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. This mistrust of oneself identified by Ms. Wolf is the most nagging problem I am facing. Best artical I have read on divorce. I feel very lost again. I cannot see me ever loving another man and would I find another at 62? In addition, research suggests people who experience a significant life event such as divorce are 2.5 to 9.4 times more likely to develop depression. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Articles like this are good- to open the dialogue that sometimes the pain of divorce doesnt go away or that time heals but we learn somehow to live with it and live a happy life where we can. This is an excellent explaination of how divorce has affected me. I worked hard, did everything for him, but it wasnt enough.They married 18 months after our divorce ( 9 months ago, and went on honeymoon to one of our favourite places) They have a fantastic lifestyle, whereas I have had to go back to work. Ive been alone for over 12 years, the pain has definitely lessened, but there are times it still hurts & always will. Thank you for this article. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. Take care of yourself, try to make new friends, & live one day at a time. No longer. And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. A ten-year marriage is also considered to be a long-term marriage by the Social Security Administration. Wow. What I learned: Never let your guard down entirely, and he or she with the deepest pockets wins. Again if comforting to know that Im not alone in what I am still feeling . I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. Do things you wish you would have done and still can do. The betrayal is devastating. Youre getting something out of it or you would be healing and moving forward. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. Thanks for recognizing that. I had a gnawing feeling when I left him that I was "slitting my own throat" and now I know that is true. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. I don't know exactly how I feel about that. This goes hand-in-hand with feeling your emotions. Apparently I get a F grade in moving on.. { Its a good thing too, for if I hadnt I know what I feel now would be far worse. And my bitterness prevents me from speaking to her, despite her efforts to remain friends. We have 2 grown children now1 doing very well, the other still trying to find his way. Sadness and happiness can coexist,but its not easy,not at all. Then the shoe dropped. My experience is the same as a husband. That can mean journaling, taking warm baths, breathing fresh air, eating good food,. Believe me, I've gotten my share of wide eyes of surprise when I say that I'm not interested in dating. Not seen your child daily, especially when child is still very young, is excruciating. Ultimately, I support her decision. Ive heard the lectures about moving on after divorce many times. You arent able to create what society defines as a nuclear family but, if youre receptive, you are able to create a family any child, especially an orphan would love to be part of. "@type": "Answer", I wish I could tell people it gets better but it does not when you miss the love of your life. Thank you for this article. It hasnt been that long. A lot of it hit home with me. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Accessibility Statement, 4 Myths About Cheating That Women Cling To. it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful No tool and not even with time repairs. Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our normal. (How great is that?) You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. It affected my relationship with my children. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. The relationship- no kids thank God was very sticky I was 21 when we met, he was 36. Obviously the grass is greener wasnt that green. I agree with you so hard to find anyone that really understands the lingering pain while living in the present. As the years go by following my divorce, I often think that something is wrong with me because I still feel sad. I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. I tried dating at first to replace her and I could not I love her to much . Best Wishes,Ben Schwarcz, MFTSanta Rosa Psychotherapist. If you happen to go beyond such, then it will be presumed as the marriage was still in existence, and whatever abuse was there will always remain, and the pain of divorce at this point will never go away. Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . I realize this website was for moms, but couldnt help but reply. People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all). We are none of us any one thing. While on the other side of the coin, your post made me have a lot of sympathy for you. Needless to say, they do not see him and rarely communicate with him. I found out my wife of 23 years (27 years together) was having an affair the last Sunday in January 2021. "@type": "Question", Im not saying that you want vengeance or wish him wrong, but resentment is not a good feeling either, it hurts you more than it does him. Give yourself that time to focus on what will make YOU happy. Time does not heal all wounds. I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didnt leave because something was wrong with us. Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. D. A. Wolf is a professional writer, editor, and independent marketing and social media consultant. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. It looks pretty hurtful from where I stand. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on. Through much pain and even more growth, Ive built a wonderful new life for myself, but I still grieve sometimes for what was lost. 25 years gone after her affair. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. And my son died 7 1/2 years ago at 19, more dead dreams. I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. You need to get out of your head and into your life. I received a summons to have my alimony modified. trouble sleeping or insomnia. When you hear the word "divorce," there are a handful of images that probably come to mindtwo adults arguing, a sad child stuck in the middle, and maybe even a contentious courtroom battle.But when a marriage ends, it's far more complex than that.For one, you may never even be in a courtroom with your ex, and secondly, there are some truly positive effects of a divorce that you may not have . I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! This has sent me spiralling downward as this was something the ex an I had planned to doand spend summers with our grandchildren(eventually). Claiming benefits on your ex-spouse triggers what is known as a spousal benefit, which is worth a maximum of 50% of the retirement . But we weathered storms, my children are now young men, and they will find their own way as we all must, with time. It's important to set some achievable goals. All we can do, those who still grieve, is to carry on, realise that we are not weird or silly for not getting over it, and that there are wonderful moments and times that we can enjoy. It truly helps to know Im not alone in this. you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. And, you can still love someone else, in spite of what you feel for her. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. All rights reserved. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. Grieving Your Old Life Add message Save Share Report Bookmark Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. Mistake #1: Feeling Like a Failure But the empty presence has never gone for me I was 51 when he left and I have no trust to even think of a new partner. I was married for nearly 40 years and I have known him for 50 years. And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. I will never trust again or be intimate with another man. "@context": "https://schema.org", Yet in our many hard years since the marriage ended, there was a great deal of good in our little household of one mom, two boys and a big mutt. My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. Also missing were 3 life policies with cash surrender values and 2 annuities. I do however, fear that my deep deep regret over leaving my husband and the associated guilt will eventually tear us apart. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. I have not dated anybody because Im still in the process of healing and I know it would not be wise doing so until I am ready to turn the page over completely. I was married for 42 years when suddenly, without warning, a knock at the door, and a sheriff with divorce papers. You really cant talk to anyone about it. I am so sickened by the whole thing, and so, so sad. The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. I have had a similar situation. Deeply sad, and still in pain. Making choices so the kids like you. It's not a bad place to be. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. It doesnt mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesnt mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there.